Sexual identity is hard to find. As we go through life, we have to define ourselves from one group or another, with few choices. If you don’t fit in one clear group, you are a marginal. A young man that wanted to remain anonymous explains how he does not see himself as hetero, bi or homosexual. He describes his experiences and how it has created lots of complications for him and the way his sexuality is perceived in relation to the world.
I was seventeen when I had my first sexual experience with another guy, it was in Brighton of course, a man in a club was just so beautiful that, with every move he made, my resistance slowly crumbled. We started to kiss on the dance floor and went back to his place after a couple of hours enjoying the music. I was shaking in his arms and he asked me if it was my first time. I said yes, and from then on he just perfectly guided me in every move I was making. Slowly, it became an exchange – we were making love.
You can’t put hierarchy on sentiments; there is no more love involved with heterosexuality than with homosexuality – it’s the same – as powerful and intimate as what people call a ‘normal relationship’. I’ll remember these moments for the rest of my life and it is these memories that free you from the gender-image you have to create every day.
As I told you, I was terrified at first but eventually you become much more able to understand your partner in the homosexual relationship. The reason why? He or she has the same body as you. With gender performance at its highest, feeling close to the person with whom you’re making love, is life at its most basic. Yet, it’s a very difficult and powerful achievement. Looking over the rules of society, making new experiences is always the force that pushes me forward. I guess at the beginning, it was another form of civil disobedience. What I discovered was much more significant.
In relationships, there is only one rule, love. When you love one or several people, this involves the need for respect and trust. Every human being on the planet is equal; Therefore, gender, colour and sexual preferences should not be involved. This is one of the great lies of today. Difference is make believe. A man-made belief. We are all equals, with the same fears, achievements, feelings, need to be loved, touched and will to integrate.
I am not a heterosexual. I am not a homosexual. I have sex with both men and women but according to me, that does not make me bisexual. The normative society we live in has a need to put everybody in little boxes; you’re black you must be able to dance really good; you’re a woman, you need to be pretty and show it off; you are a man, you need to stand strong and have power. When I was seventeen, I was completely lost among those stereotypical gender images, but I understood that much later. I would ask myself, am I normal? Do I need to repress those feelings? Why? Why not?
I had several relations with guys, it was not a deep commitment nor for a thrill to be able to talk about it, rather it was something I needed to do for a long time but didn’t because society told me that it was wrong. Everything in our world is a dichotomy, if you are not a capitalist, you are a communist; if you are not a man you are a woman; if you are not homosexual, you are heterosexual, this whole process needs to change and quickly.
Most of my best friends do not know that I was penetrated several times, that I had homosexual relationships. I guess for them it would be really weird and I could not be as touchy as I currently am with them if they knew. It would trigger awkward feelings, and become an unspoken matter. That’s a shame. They would consider me as a gay and would see me as a threat for their sexuality. They would not be able to understand what gender construction is about.
Everyone, men or women can seduce me, there is tremendous amount of beauty in both genders and it’s a great loss for most of the people not to try it out. It’s very different, the love between two men, and a man and a woman, because suddenly you are not complementary anymore – at least less complementary – so you need to work on others forms, new forms. This experience is a mind opener, something that changes you forever.
I used to be very scared of being judged for my sexual orientation, and in a way I still am, I want people to like me for who I am, and telling my friends will take that away but that’s impossible, unfortunately.
We should not ask ourselves whether that’s a good idea or not, if you want it, just do it. If you are judged for it, then they are the ones being wrong, not you. The stereotypical gay portrayed today is very different within the community; they were thrown at the edge of society, always viewed as marginal. Polyamers are considered the most fucked up people of the time. If there is enough love tangled, let them be. People should just look in their bed before trying to get into others. There are lots of bad ways of having sex (without a consenting party, with no love included…) but there is no best way of having sex, in the end, I deeply believe that everything worth the try.