Tired of having to think about what to say in that text message? Worried by women having gained position and status in society? Sick of the ladies with an alimentary canal and those gross sounds it makes after you’ve shared a meal? Answered yes to all three? I know I have. Well, a 45-year old Japanese man known as Ta-Bo thinks he’s found the solution.

Sex dolls. Lots of sex dolls.

Having been scorned by ex lovers, and not particularly enthralled by the whole chase, Ta-Bo has given up on women entirely and turned to silicon dolls manufactured by Orient Industry Co. for the love and attention he craves. Speaking on why he chose the way of the sex doll, Ta-Bo quipped, ”A human girl can cheat on you or betray you sometimes, but these dolls never do those thing. They belong to me 100 percent.” Going on to joke, “sometimes it takes too much time before I can have sex with the person I meet. But with these dolls, it’s just a matter of a click of the mouse.”

Now I know this may seem sad and pathetic, but if we look at it through the eyes of a correctional institute’s psychologist it seems to be a preventative measure. If waiting for sex, regardless of the person’s “alive” or “real” status, is such an issue for you that you would freely talk about it to the press, perhaps you should start sleeping with dolls. That is before rape and murder seem like the only way you can get down to business, without having to listen to her talk about her day, or scan her emails for keywords regarding rendezvous with her ex.

In fact, it seems it’s not just Ta-Bo looking to find the ideal partner. The company, which began manufacturing mindless, anatomically correct versions of the females of our species over 30 years ago, now produces around 80 dolls a month, retailing between $850 and $5,500. A tad more expensive than dinner for two and a holiday in the Cotswolds, but I suppose you can’t really put a price on unyielding loyalty. Company president, and peddler of mass misogyny, Hideo Tsuchiya, claims business is booming because, “women are sometimes more dominant than men… and don’t always pay [them] attention.” Which is certainly the reason why I never leave the house, or text back them hoes that be all like, ‘Hey, how’s it going, still on for that drink? x’ – like I would trust them to get me a drink and not shag someone on the way to the bar.
In fact, I might give it a go. Let’s see, Google: Sex Dolls. First hit – Real Doll. An American run company which reportedly ranks number 2 in the doll manufacturing world, next to our friend Hideo’s Orient Trading Co.

Now, I’m not sure about you, but I’m confused by Real Doll’s choice of company name. Obviously the dolls aren’t real humans, so what is real about them? Surely it goes without saying that they’re really dolls. Maybe its to ward off those super-fetish guys who want imaginary dolls. Perhaps somewhere out there is a company that sells you downloadable fantasies concerning dolls/women/dollwomen that you plug into your brain/penis/brainpenis, so that you don’t even have to deal with the grossness of an actual physical entity at all. Or maybe not.
Either way they sell these.

Offering you a choice of eye colour, lip colour and personality entrenched face; intrinsically linked to tragic childhoods and teenage abortions, they come complete with names such as Carmen, Aimee, Britney, and Crystal. You can even get the optional extra of REAL HUMAN EYEBROWS for $150. You know, for those that can’t get it up without being assured that the hair above the doll’s lifeless eyes was once part of an actual person’s face, used for frowning or displaying looks of surprise. If that wasn’t disturbing enough, this must also means that somewhere out there, women are ripping out their own eyebrows and selling them for precisely this purpose. That, or the donor collection guys who deal with your dead body are running a black market stall offering up your still warm brows to the highest bidder.

Whatever. I went for Britney, or as I affectionately call her, Female RealDoll 2 Face E. She’s perfect. Got dem apricot lips, doze heavy eye linered grey bedroom eyes and dat 0706 hairstyle. But for $2,649 before shipping and taxes, I’m just not sure. If only there was a forum where I could check out prices and get reviews from actual users. Oh. Thank god. There is. Doll Forum is, “The world’s definitive resource on love dolls and erotic adult dolls since 2001.” Your guess is as good as mine, as to what they did before then.

This forum offers a plethora of information on all the dolls available, the things you can do with them – the things people have done with them. Those who have the cheaper inflatable dolls ranging from $15-$300 congregate in one place; ‘Vinyl Inflatable Love Dolls‘ where they can discuss things such as doll maintenance, the appropriate length of ‘insertables’ or just celebrate the arrival of their first doll. In fact, Fusen Shinro (the guy in the last post) was so excited about the arrival of his, “Diso Shi doll with curved fingers” that he posted pictures.

Inviting users such as Dollarhyde, imbued with the title of ‘Doll Elder’, to reply wishing him a “Happy Honeymoon”. Whilst Barbarous, a mere ‘Senior Member’ was more concerned with Hanako’s curved appendages, writing Fusen a congratulatory message doubled as reconnaissance concerning the, “new type of hands.”

Clearly giddy about his new love, Fusen explains in terms far exceeding the question: “I like the new hands, I wasn’t expecting them when I ordered, so a nice bonus. The right hand almost maintains a grip, not enough for a hand job, but OK for foreplay.” Happy with the doll’s shoulders too, Fusen writes, “She’s great for side by side cuddling with one arm down the side she’s laid on, the other rests nicely on my shoulder.” Not content that his audience has heard enough he even goes on to explain that, “whatever her breasts are made from takes on body heat nicely, [so] there’s a wonderful warmth from them when cuddling.” He even, thankfully, proffered the doll’s vital stats:

“ Height 5 foot
Chest 31″
Under bust 21″
Hips 27”
Waist 22″
That’s inflated to where I can flatten a handful of leg, so with a hard inflation may gain an inch.”

The rich guys, on the other (uncurved) hand, get their own little corner where they can discuss dolls worth over $4000, and share helpful infographics on sex positions.

Though this is not all the site has to offer. Oh no. There is also a special members only area (I signed up) called Dolls Alive! where almost unbelievably, some of the dolls ACTUALLY come to life and make posts about whatever they’re thinking or doing. I guess the eyebrows must some how fuse with the silicone creating sentient life. These posts are mostly innocuous; dolls wishing other dolls a Happy Easter, or flirtatiously inviting other dolls around for a ‘sleep over’.

However, some get pretty dark. A prolific doll known as Kinella, talking about her master, explains, “I hate belonging to Lucifer. I wish Varkeo was here to see this! Lucifer here likes to pick favourites among his models. He likes this inferior Android ‘June’ over me! She is programmed to be emotionless so anything he does don’t effect her personality. And I am his wife. Boy am I pissed off!” Seriously pissed off. I mean, who wouldn’t be?!

Joy Doll, a seeming emotionally programmed doll offers her best attempt at the human concept of empathy and encouragingly replies, “Lucifer is a bad man, figure you come over to Vark’s place to get spoiled as much. Makes sense I suppose. The other dolls here should be able to provide support. Don’t give up!”

Only for Cherry Doll to interject with a ‘woah! That escalated quickly’ response. Infuriated, and apparently turned on by Kinella’s whining, she roars, “Serves you right! Someone go get me my strap-on so I can punish this dumb blonde! She just wants attention Ladies, pay her ass no attention! I’ll handle this!” All of which confused me.

Finally, just when I thought my Tuesday afternoon online couldn’t get any more strange and depressing, Varkeo, who appears to be a moderator and staff member at The Doll Forum, rears his head and posts a link to Tory Wilson’s effortlessly trashy ‘Need A Little Time’.

From the signatures in each post, which link to his photo album, I found that all these dolls are in fact of Varkeo’s creation. So it seems as if Varkeo, who created the forum, is using it to give dolls (which he owns and has given different personalities to) the arena to argue over their ownership.
Wait. How did I get here? This isn’t Ta-Bo’s dream at all. All I wanted was a woman that didn’t answer back or have the ability to make her own decisions, so I could go to work without worrying about the postman or the plumber. Now I’m stuck in some Dantean nightmare with a harem of psychotic dolls talking about Lucifer and strap-ons. This is far scarier than a date at a wine bar and drunken first time sex with a new partner. More expensive too.
Scratch this, I’m going to cancel the order. But whilst I do, let’s spare a minute to think about the people who, sat alone in a dark room, have proceeded through that checkout. Flipping their bank card through their fingers to find the security code. Typing it in and pressing enter. Think about their meals for one. Queuing alone at the supermarket. The soul crushing first bout of post orgasmic depression. Cleaning the doll. Their inevitable descent into a world of greater depravity. The forum posts about the ability of the doll’s breast material to retain heat when they snuggle up against this lifeless husk. Think about Ta-Bo’s philosophy. Then remember Varkeo’s mulitple personalities and just shove an extra ‘x’ on the end of that text message instead.

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