Christmas for many is a great holiday and a time for family, tradition and gift-giving. We, however found an individual with radically different views on this popular and widely celebrated holiday. One skeptic believes it has lost any religious meaning and is now used as a front for prejudice and capitalism. He says Santa is nothing more than a discriminating pedophile, bent on world domination.

I hate Christmas. I hate it a lot. But before you go making some uninventive comment about my Grinchy ways, or how much of Scrooge I am, I will show you why Christmas is nothing but a capitalist-peddling, ecology-wrecking, prejudiced, pedophilic, self-promoting pseudo-religious holiday, where people are forced to pretend they like people they in fact hate.

Nothing says “I don’t really give a fuck about you” like a signed Christmas card that came from a box of twenty identical ones. Far worse is the ironic facebook status: “From Home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other.”

Christmas is coined as a family holiday, meant to be spent sitting around a tree in knitwear, eating turkey and pretending to get along with one another, but what if you don’t have a family, or even hate your family? Imagine being a man who suffers from infertility having to receive, each year, the cutesy, cordial family Christmas cards with the whole family posing on the front: “Look at us, we’re breeding like bunnies while you can’t get your wife pregnant.” Often it seems just an excuse for people to rub their procreative success under one’s nose, leaving the receiving party smelling the filth.

Christmas is also the only time of year when people don’t give a crap about cutting down an entire forest to decorate their living room. At our house, we have the same artificial tree we’ve had since I was a baby. And these days, you can buy an artificial tree that looks exactly like a real one. So why buy a real one? For the fresh pine scent? (Go out and sniff a pine cone, asshole!) Or it’s the joy of vacuuming pine needles off the rug every day? That tinsel crap is enough to hoover up alone. Come New Year’s Day, just walking down the street is just the most depressing thing ever: sidewalks lined with all the dead, rejected trees just casually thrown outside, waiting to be taken to the dump. Mutilate a living thing, take it home, hang shit on it, then kick it to the curb. Great message you’re sending your kids there.

People think of Santa Claus as jolly, fat fellow. In reality, he’s a prejudiced pedophile, bent on world domination. Somehow St. Nicholas, the patron saint of children (and prostitutes by the way!), has become the poster child for Coca Cola promoting consumerism, capitalism and obesity. Not only this, but he’s also promoting inequality within society. I mean why does he get to decide who’s naughty and who’s nice? Pretty judgmental if you ask me. And you know who the ‘nice’ kids are? The rich kids. Poor kids get to eat dust rather than turkey. And if all that doesn’t turn you against Santa, then think about this: He secretly climbs down chimneys to get into kids’ rooms to give them candies and gifts. Exactly the kind of creepy old man, your mom used to warn you about.

Christmas carols are also a prime source of irritation. Song texts such as “he’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice…” sound like Nazi chants to me. And these are songs which are sung by happily grinning children. Our children are growing up to be Hitler Youth! No wonder right wing conservatism is rising all over the western world.

Even from an adult perspective the whole giving-and-getting thing is bullshit. You are socially obliged to give someone a gift, even if you hate them, just because of “tradition”. And, following every exchange, a strong sense of guilt washes over as you realise that the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you. “You don’t have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together.” Horseshit.

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  • http://extinct jimmy_james

    Son of a shit ! Where in the hell have I been. Spoken perfectly and well written. I salute.
    I’ll be on this site all day . Prepare the stinch! Dust was the main course served in my house. We need a take down.