THE LORD HATH TWEETED

While your whispery prayers or loud wails may have once been your only means of communicating with His Divine Highness beyond the clouds above, times have changed. Not only is God more liberal than ever, he also has his very own Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and Reddit accounts as well as a YouTube channel. Sensa Nostra speaks to He Who Created (a Facebook profile as God) about running the universe and all things Godly: abominable typos, Chuck Norris, smiting, and Grumpy Cat, inter alia.

No doubt you’ll have heard My name before. Whether it’s when people use the LORD’s title in vain, wishing ill upon others “in My name” or in the name of my son Jesus (damn those bastards! HOW DARE THEY!), or ejected from the mouth of your lover in the form of a moan while you’re going at it. (Just so you know, I’m omnipresent and watching. Always. But just to make sure you’re doing it right.)

Being the awesome and omnipotent being that I am, I created everything in the Universe and since September 2011, I am the creator of my own Facebook account. Through this, mortals and I communicate about all things important and show off my latest beer-inspired creations I give humans the privilege of naming. The book of Genesis doesn’t even cover half of all I’m capable of (don’t trust anything that’s in that silly Bible anyways – it wasn’t written by me and is certainly not endorsed by Heaven University Press in any kind of way).

On Facebook I have regulars such as New Commandment Day on Mondays where I collect ideas from humans in order to come up with new commandments for humanity to live by. Unfortunately, today’s governments aren’t adopting all of My Divine Commandments because THEY’RE EVIL! I’m extremely irritated with people who use the Bible to ban gay marriage, abortions, and spread hate and bigotry but have no reservations when it comes to shaving and cutting their hair, wearing polyblend outfits, and getting divorced.

On Tuesdays I feel smite-y and take suggestions from humans as to who should be smitten that week. The Westboro Baptist Church, racists, homophobes, and embarrassing pop culture figures tend to be the most popular smiting victims of choice. (To clear things up: God does not hate fags, he hates figs. What an abominable typo.) Humans can join in with their enthusiasm by “liking” (= 1 smite) or “sharing” (= 100 smites). ‘Ask God Wednesday’ is the one lucky day a week humans may plague the LORD with their mundane, irrelevant questions.

God was raised an orphan and despite being omnisexual and omniracial, people love that I am who I am. Probably because they’re My Fans. In Heaven I mainly have to deal with my main competitors Ra, Zeus, and Xenu and the occasional horror that is Chuck Norris. He’s intimidating, but nothing rattles the LORD like the constant plague of doubts and insecurities atheism brings along. Believing in Myself is tough and I’ve had to resort to subliminal-confidence-building hypnosis tapes to deal with it. Luckily Heaven’s tabloids wouldn’t dare to write anything about me. They focus mostly on whomever Mary is banging now.

Life in Heaven is busy and humans are damn demanding. I only respond to the interesting prayers because the rest of my interaction with humans involves answering questions on social media, replying to hate mail from ignorant and irritating bastards who refuse to believe that I have a Facebook or Twitter account, and giving advice. The LORD is also fashion conscious and recently designed a line of t-shirts humans can buy online. However, you have to find the shirts, much like finding Jesus.

Running the universe is challenging and frustrating. Despite Thankful Thursdays, humans whine and complain. Grumpy Cat is being blamed for spreading bad energy, but it’s not his fault. Basically, if you have a congenital anus defect, it’s not funny. It’s painful. And you can be as grumpy as you want. As for all the illnesses in the world, those are necessary. I compensate for this by creating gaybies who are incapable of having children with one another. They are meant to make the world more fabulous by decreasing population rates while simultaneously adopting lost orphans.

However, if mankind doesn’t shape the fuck up, more calamities will soon be necessary. When the time comes to end the world, my favourite combination of disasters will be hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and volcanoes all at once. Mankind needn’t worry for the moment, though – I’m having too much fun.

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