LIVING SEX DOLL

This ex-porn star has made it her mission to reveal the dramatic harm porn executes in society. She hopes that exposing the perversion, cruelty and pain required to produce pornography will force people to think twice about supporting the industry and their perceptions of those performing.

That busty blonde you’re watching, her lustful gasps are a real turn on aren’t they? Eyes closed in passion. Lower lip bit in pleasure. She’s really enjoying that dick up her ass isn’t she…

She isn’t.

Porn is harmful to everyone in society: Male and female performers suffer horrifically in the name of your ‘entertainment’, audiences become addicted, and children’s morals are irreversibly distorted. If you knew the graphic reality of the porn industry you could never call it harmless fun.

Average life expectancy of a porn actor in the US is 37.4 years old. The industry has an extremely high suicide rate, drink and drug abuse is the norm, performers are killed by abusive partners and customers, and there is always the risk of contracting AIDS and STDs. But even if you escape porn physically intact, your psyche will forever be damaged.

As an ex-porn star I know how cruel and filthy the job really is. I still live with the effects of my career every day, even after 7 years out of the business. I have herpes, which is terribly common in the business and incurable. My body is still recovering from the excessive drug use required to continue in the business. Even still, I consider myself lucky. I know performers who have contracted HIV and women who suffered from cervical cancer, requiring hysterectomies. These women can never have children and start a family because of the dangerous, inhuman carelessness of the industry. But these are just the health problems; emotional and mental scarring goes deeper still.

After years of degradation and essentially being a sex slave, your emotional connection to sex and people in general will never be the same. Of course, when I began in the industry I enjoyed it. I loved the attention and thought I was taking control of my sexuality. I felt empowered. I wasn’t. I was required to do increasingly more hardcore films and my popularity grew: Gangbangs, anal, DP, things I’d swore I never wanted to do. I would turn up to set having been told it was a male-female vaginal sex scene, only to arrive and find it was something else. The first time this happened it turned out to be a gangbang scene with 8 guys. Afterwards, I felt like my insides had been ripped to shreds. When I got home I cried all night long. Then I went numb.

The thing is, you can’t say no in this business. If you don’t do it, you don’t get paid. And if you say no once you will get a reputation and no one is going to hire you. If you aren’t going to perform and make them money they will just hire some other ‘whore’ with even less self-esteem to do it instead. You literally become a living sex doll. By the end I had no confidence in myself or others. I honestly believe that the majority of people making porn are men who truly hate women. How can they degrade and torture them so much it they don’t? This is not to say men don’t suffer in the industry too. They are susceptible to STDs and told to do scenes they’d rather not as well, but they are not subjected to the extreme cruelty women are.

My porn history still haunts my relationships today. During the porn days I had my fair share of abusive relationships with other people from the industry, but even now I still find I am used by men. As soon as someone finds out I used to work in porn, and they always do – those dvds and websites will be around forever – their view of me dramatically changes. To women I become a sex-addicted whore who will try to steal their husbands. To men I am a sex-addicted whore they want to jump into bed with. Either way I’m de-humanized in their eyes. I’ve since had boyfriends who knew I was a porn star and decide that’s how I should always behave. They became angered and violent if I refused to perform whatever sexual act they wanted. Once a whore, always a whore.

These experiences confirm my belief that people watching porn aren’t watching it as fantasy. They believe it’s real and that it incredibly dangerous. These men obviously thought I had enjoyed these gangbangs and anal, not taking in that it was acting and that when the camera wasn’t filming my face I would grimace, even turning away from the violence for fear of crying. I never once had an orgasm in 6 years of filming porn. Yet men watching my films believe what they see and believe all women get off on violent, degrading sex. Women who see it think they should have to endure violent sexual acts if they want to please their boyfriends. It is a dangerous pattern that wrecks relationships and is extremely disturbing.

Porn is getting increasingly violent and fetishized, especially towards women, and even an increasing market in child porn.  Children are watching and learning from this filth too. The biggest audience of online porn is 12-17 yr olds. 12! They are just children! I fear for the future of our society when sexual violence and degradation of women has become completely normalized because of the pornography industry.

We have to stop that from happening. Women must realize that sexual freedom isn’t stripping on a pole or degrading yourself while copying porn to appear wild and free. And men must realize that the woman you are watching being pounded unconscious is someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, and most of all they are being subjected to sexual cruelty for your pleasure. While you pleasure yourself they are either screaming on the inside for it to end, or even worse, too numb to even feel anything anymore. I am.

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